Early in the Foundation Course programme, I received an invitation to cook a Saturday lunch for the participants. I was nervous, excited, apprehensive. Yet I was being offered something I had longed to do, to take on a leadership role within the Concord kitchen. Jean Torne, in his inimitable way, supported my stepping forward into the role. He coached me towards a meal plan, and even gave me a head start by preparing parts of the meal ahead of time.
The invitation I heard was to take on a role, beyond what I was capable of doing. As the day panned out, it became clear that the role was definitely beyond what ‘I’ was capable of: the ‘I’ that is trapped in fear, self concern and significance. The one who seeks attention, who wants to do a good job, be seen, and be seen to do a good job. (The holy trinity!) The one who is fearful of making mistakes. Who wants to please. The one who is nervous about stepping into a role I have seen others fill with such grace and aplomb. A concern about measuring up, to the standards set by Jean Torne, Mutsuko Johnson and all those I have cooked alongside in the Concord kitchen.
There was a small, committed team on board. Myself and Sarah Hall, supported by Jean and the remarkable Foundation Course Production team. The cooking progressed according to plan, with parts of the meal prepared in a largely orderly fashion. However, when the finished plate appeared in front of me, I received a huge shock. It was an explosion of life and colour; rich, golden autumn foods. It bore some resemblance to the meal sketch I had made earlier, but it seemed to have emerged from somewhere else completely. It had very little do to with me personally. It didn’t feel like I had created much of it, at all. It gave me a feeling, more than a thought, of what I was capable of creating when ‘I’ was out of the equation. And that it was possible to create something with others, of a magnitude infinitely greater to what I was capable of creating on my own. I felt incredibly humbled.
My willingness to say ‘yes’ to the ludicrous invitations Concord present me with has stood me in good stead. My journey, through cooking, has been a process of letting go: of the idea I have of myself, of food, of pretty much everything. A surrender of control, and a knowing, which increasingly reveals itself to be a limited world. My body, my spirit, is becoming open to nourishment, and I am accessing a true freedom around food. I am becoming more skilled in the kitchen, but I am also letting go of the idea of what it means to be ‘good at cooking.’ I am learning to surrender to my intuition, my senses, and to a greater order of things. I enter the kitchen as the natural place to create alignment and balance in myself, in my life. A place to come to earth. I feel nourished, and grateful. Tihei Mauri Ora! (I am Alive)
Kevin Helas
An article which featured in the Concord Newsletter, Winter 2011. The full newsletter is available to download here.
